Page 84 of Addiction

“Asher, this is not what you want.”

I slam my hands on the bar, my body tensing tighter the longer the devil is made to wait. “Don’t tell me what I don’t want. Get me a drink.”

“No.”

“Goddammit, Ryan!” I lunge myself over the bar and grab hold of his shirt, bringing him closer as I growl through my teeth. “Get. Me. A. Fucking. Drink.”

I’m seething, temples pulsing hard as my chest becomes fire.

His hands go up in surrender, and I let go of him when he agrees.

I don’t care about the consequences. I don’t care about the negativity this will bring. I don’t care about the man I am anymore because I was never a man to begin with.

The man everyone believes I am is nothing but a caged animal—an addict that’s desperate for a fix.

When the glass is placed reluctantly on the bar, I study the filthy, rich whiskey like I’ve struck gold, right before snatching the glass up and throwing back the poison because this, right here, is all that matters.

My eyes close, my head falls back, and I ride the feeling of ecstasy as the liquid slides down my throat, coating every inch of my insides like rain covers the ground.

A sick smirk greets my lips as the evil inside breaks free from the cold depths of my shattered heart, relishing in the burn of liquor, and dancing in delight over that never-ending drug I’ve longed for.

I’m home.

I’m free.

Hello, girl I’ve missed you.

“Another,” I demand, wanting the memories and the feelings that have consumed me tonight to go far from my thoughts as I rejoice with the devil.

“Asher—”

“Another!” I roar.

He pours another, and I throw it back, and like both Ryan and I are on the same page, we work together as one: he pours, and I drink, one shot at a time. We go on and on until my body feels heavy and there is nothing but peace in my thoughts as the lights start to blur.

Euphoria. Fucking euphoria.

I’ve missed this feeling

I fucking love this feeling.

But then, like everything in my life, I’m shaken out of the beautiful, whiskey-drenched haze when I hear Ryan’s apology and a name that makes my insides fill with ice.

I look up to find the one person I’d never wanted to inflict myself upon like this again, and everything stops.

My thoughts.

My breathing.

My heart.

Like the clouds breaking on a dark day, reality slowly comes back into view, and the good in me makes me realize just how much I’ve fucked up causing panic to build.

What have I done?

I hold her stare, waiting for her to say something, anything. But she says it all with her eyes. They are filled with nothing but disappointment and shame as she turns her back on me and heads out of the bar.

Shit.