Page 45 of Addiction

“What made you want to be a SEAL?”

“Pop.” There’s no hesitation. “From a young age, I only wanted to be like him. I wanted to experience for myself the stories he told me. I saw the strong, brave man who fought for his country and wanted to be actually like that… but I guess one person’s experience isn’t the same for another.”

“Was it harder than you imagined?” I ask, unsure whether to press him on the subject because I know from speaking to Grayson and Nora that Asher never likes to be reminded of the horror stories.

“Not at first. The training was tough, which was to be expected. And our first mission wasn’t as bad as everyone made out it would be. For some time, I didn’t know what the big deal was about it. But back then I was young and naïve. When we were in Afghanistan, it was a massive wake-up call for me. We returned home with far fewer men than we went out with. When I was home, I lived a high life. Played the role of a navy SEAL, living up to the reputation of attracting women and attending parties. I guess it was my way of coping. It was our second tour that I knew I wanted out.”

I stack my plate on his and move it aside to give us more room. “So you joined Cole’s Security.”

“I thought it would be easier and in many ways it was. When it came to Iraq, I guess that’s when I shut down and tried to block everything out. But it wasn’t enough.”

“Grief can be like the devil. You can believe you are in control when suddenly it kicks you in the guts without warning. Life becomes a twisted game of survival, one you can’t seem to get out of, so you do anything to try and cope with your surroundings and your pain. But eventually with time, no matter how long the road may be, you start to find a way out of the darkness.”

“That sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

I think back to when Jonny died. I’d thought my world had ended because I’d lost the one person who meant more to me than life itself. He had been my rock when it came to so many things. He had been my guide, my best friend, and the only person who’d treated me like a human being—a person. I’d hit the lowest point in my life when I lost him. I had not only been angry with myself but everyone else around me. I became an ugly version of myself for a while, but grief had me blind to it. With time, I’d slowly started to put my life back together again.

Asher’s dark, cocoa eyes are a mixture of concern and warmth, willing me to tell him all my secrets. And something deep inside tells me that one day, Asher Nelson will be the man I bare all to, but that day isn’t today. I hardly talk about Jonny because it hurts too much, and as for my parents, they are not worth my time or energy.

“I am,” I admit.

Dragging my eyes away from his, I look out of the window, hoping that my silence gives him the indication that my part of the conversation is over. But when he changes the subject, the words that follow still have the embers of anger and emotion flickering in my core.

“I see from the tattoo on your arm you must like an adventure.”

Biting down on my back teeth, I look down at the black ink, trying to ignore the twist in my stomach because I don’t wish to answer the questions it’s likely to lead to. “Yeah, I like to travel. Always have as it’s a huge passion of mine. I go as often as I can.”

“How do you decide on a place?”

“The globe I have in my apartment.” I lift my finger. “Spin, point, book tickets.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“Do you go alone?”

And there it is. The very question that has the potential to rip me apart. Where it was once him and me, it's now just me.

Alone.

Abandoned.

Forgotten.

But very much alone.

“I do now,” I murmur.

I hold his stare, and I know he can see my discomfort. I know he can see the pain in my eyes, but I don’t try and hide it. I don’t want to hide it.

I understand why Asher likes to keep things close because I, too, do the same. I’m so closed off about my life when it comes to others that I only tell people who I truly am when I know their friendship is gold.

So why am I sitting here, exposing myself to this man who’s practically a stranger? Why in these past couple of hours have we been sharing our vulnerability so freely to each other yet not sharing anything at all.

“Are you guys finished?”

Whatever moment we have fallen into breaks at the sound of Ellie’s interruption.