Page 4 of Addiction

St Brides Correctional Centre had been a whole new ball game I hadn’t been prepared for. The days there are long. The nights longer. Men shout and taunt one another through the cracks in the walls to get a reaction. If you look at a man the wrong way, disorder will be brought upon you. You don’t make friends: you make unwanted acquaintances to help the days tick by.

I’d kept my head down and my mouth shut.

And even though there had been times when I’d craved that feeling alcohol gives you—the one that leaves you numb—my biggest challenge of all had been accepting who I was.

Who I am.

“So, tell me, why didn’t you want Grayson to pick you up? Would it have been so bad if Nora had come with him?”

I want nothing more than to see my sister. "I didn't want Nora to get all excited and throw me the 'I've missed you so much and I love you card' that's all."

"But she does love you and has missed you. And after everything that went down, you should be thankful she still has your back."

"I am!” I snap. His words unexpectedly rattle me, and my chest tightens. I am grateful Nora has stuck by me because I deserved every damn day of my sentence after what I did to her. I hadn’t known what rock bottom was until that very day. With my drunken stupidity, I’d almost killed the one person I’d sworn to protect, so I’m very fucking grateful she’s stood by me. I’d just never expected it to feel like this once I was released.

Exhaling a heavy breath, I glance at him. “I am thankful. I just need to get my head straight before I see anyone else who will shower me with praise and fucking adoration.”

He studies me hard before gripping my shoulder. “You paid for your mistakes, Asher. You’ve grown so far from who you once were. Now it’s time to put all that behind you and move on. Learn to live and have that life you want. Not the one you thought you deserve at the bottom of the bottle.”

What if I’m too scared to live that life?

“Are you still having therapy and support from your sponsor?”

“Yes. The sponsor I had in rehab has remained in contact throughout my sentencing.”

“So they prepared you for what it would be like getting out?”

“I was prepared. It’s just harder than I thought it would be.” I’d known it wouldn’t be easy. Self-doubt and self-loathing had often hit me unexpectedly from time to time, making me feel like everything I’ve built back up is seconds away from crashing down around me. Theo, my sponsor, has prepared me, making sure I know that this is a potential factor given how I’m returning home for the first time since the accident.

“There’s nothing more positive than being allowed to go home, Asher. Remember that.”

Our conversation this morning was one I’d needed. He’s always told me to look for a positive in every situation, even on my darker days. And he’s right.

I shake my head. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be a dick.”

“Look, I get it. And maybe you’re right about not wanting Nora to come. You need to let off some steam.”

“The last person I want to upset is her.”

“Still protecting her even now.” He smiles. “She’s really fucking missed you, though. We all have. It’s good to have you home, brother.”

Even though my mind is still conflicted, it does feel good to be out. And I’m sure. once I get my head around that, everything will start to fall into place. “I’m certainly looking forward to decent food and a comfy bed that’s for sure. I’m sure I’ll be fine in a few days.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do next?”

“There are a few options I need to look into.”

“Well, you know where I am if you need any help figuring stuff out. Jackson said he is there for you, too.”

I nod. I haven’t seen Jackson Cole since before my sentencing, and I’m surprised he even wants to remain in contact after what I did. “On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he with me still?”

"Fucking explosive." He chuckles. His words don’t surprise me at all.

"I figured."

"He's still pissed, understandably. You involved Coles Security with your shit, and for that, he's not impressed. But as a friend, he's still there for you. Just take a good look at your legs before you see him because you might not have them when you leave."

I chuckle. "Rodger that."