Page 34 of Gravity

Times like this is where I’d go to him and ask him for guidance—help to ensure I do right. To make me a better man. But I’ve failed with both of those, and I’ve pushed him aside, too.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper against her ear.

“For what? For when?”

“For everything.”

“Then why behave the way you do?”

“Because… I don’t know who I am anymore, Nora,” I admit. “I don’t like this person you see me as, and I don’t like being him either.”

Slowly she turns around to face me, and my chest burns with remorse when her tears fall. Not being able to resist, I reach out and cup her face, wiping them away with my thumb as she holds my stare.

Fuck, she is beautiful, and I’ve been such an idiot.

“I don’t hate you, Shortcake,” I murmur, the weight of my truth laying heavy on my shoulders. “I could never feel that toward you.”

“Then help me understand what’s going on.”

“But that’s just it: how can I do that when I don’t even know myself?” That saying, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, is lost on me. After everything that’s happened, I don’t feel stronger. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

Her blue eyes search mine, and it takes seconds until they flood with a sympathy I usually despise seeing from others. I don’t want sympathy because that only makes me remember what I’ve lost. I want peace.

“Start anywhere. But you need to try, Gray. If not for me to understand then for yourself to find some form of clarity. I can see the anguish in your eyes. It’s been there too long, and I can’t bear it.”

Needing to gain a little distance in order to find the words, I step away from her, my body now cold from my escape. Walking over to the mini bar at the other side of my office, I take two glasses and pour us both a whiskey, hoping it will take the edge of the anxiety that is gripping my chest. Handing Nora a drink, I sit on the couch. Taking a large mouthful, I let the burn of the whiskey coat my insides as I look to the floor.

“When I was a kid, my dad told me that one day my world would come crashing down around me and there’d be no one there to help me out because I was nothing more than a hindrance. Thankfully, I knew he was talking bullshit because the man was nothing more than a bully. I saw through him the first time he raised his fist to me. But that doubt—regardless as to whether I knew different—remained in the back of my mind and I never realized it was festering until Mom died. And at the point everything was already blown up in the air with what happened to your dad.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I try and regain my composure as my body fights with so many emotions.

“I believed putting barriers up after she’d gone and shutting everyone out was the right thing to do. At the time, it was all I could do in order to cope. But in doing that, it changed things between us. I hated that look in your eyes whenever you came home; the one I put there. The longer it went on, the harder it got, yet it was somehow easier to walk away than to admit I was struggling. Asher was hardly here, and I didn’t feel I could turn to your parents and be a burden.” I look up at her, fighting the tears as I speak the truth that has been a constant battle ever since I hid myself away. “And now that those barriers are up, I don’t know how to bring them back down.”

Leaving her spot from the door, Nora comes over, sitting herself on the coffee table in front of me. She reaches out for my glass, placing it with hers on the table beside her before taking hold of my hands, looking at me with tears of her own.

“You didn’t have to hide away, Grayson. You didn’t have to conceal your pain. I’m your friend. At least I thought I was.”

“You are.” I grip her hands tighter to reassure her.

“Then don’t shut me out. For the last couple of years, this back and forth connection with you has been exhausting, and each time you avoid me it hurts more. All you had to say was that you needed time—that you needed space in order to deal with the situation—and I would have respected that. I wouldn’t have judged you for struggling with losing your mom because people deal with grief differently.”

I shake my head, knowing what she just said would never have happened. “If I’d told you I needed those things, you’d never have given me them. I know you, Nora, and you make everyone else’s troubles your own and help them any way you can because you are a good person. And I admire that about you so much, but I couldn’t let you do that when you already had so much going on with your dad and your studies.”

“So you fought it alone.”

“It was only fair.”

“But not for you.” Her voice cracks. “What’s the one thing you’ve always told me to never be ashamed of or apologize for?”

I smile knowing I’ve contradicted myself. “For being sad.”

“Exactly. So, don’t fight this on your own, okay? You’re stuck in a place that no one wants to see you in—that I don’t want to see you in. Let us help you. There’s no shame in asking for it.”

I nod, knowing she is right. I can’t keep putting myself through this torture because it’s driving me crazy, and now that the air between us has been cleared and I’ve confided in her, the tightness in my chest begins to ease. I’ve underestimated her strength. Maybe she would have been able to handle more than I gave her credit for. It might not have come to this if I’d have opened up to her sooner. I had Asher, I had Mark and Ryan, but even their friendship was different to what we share.

“When did you become so wise?”

She scrunches her nose up. “It’s surprising what time away from a protective brother can do.”

I chuckle softly, looking down at our joined hands. “True.”